|10 Things That Piss Me Off
10. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
9. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy, considering he has no dick.
8. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
7. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
6. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the fucking ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
4. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!
3. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?
2. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
1. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over!
|by George Carlin or Adam Sandler
|You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If...
1. You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
2. Your Jedi robe is camouflage
3. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.
4. At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
5. You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.
6. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok (tastes like chicken)
7. You have ever had an X-Wing up on blocks in your yard.
8. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
9. Wookies are offended by your BO
10. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
11. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
12. Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
13. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electroshock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
14. You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.
15. You think Han Solo would look better in a flannel cause he looks a little sissy in that vest.
16. You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
17. You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
18. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hut had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
19. You ever fell in love with your sister.
20. You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire as "them damn Yankees."
21. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
22. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.
23. You were the only person drinking Jack Daniel's on the rocks during the
24. In your opinion, that Darth Vader fellow "just ain't right."
|submitted by Knuckles.
|Redneck Birth Control
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough (they could not afford a larger double wide).
So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and
told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more
children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home,
get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it
in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.The Alabamian said to the doctor,
"I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a
beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to Georgia to get
a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a
vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told
the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold
it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went
home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his
ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . ", at which point he paused, placed the
beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand....
Also works in Tennessee and West Virginia.
|submitted by Ninja
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in
private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if
you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a
small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Its a
good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so
as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the
bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile
home costs just as much as yours.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners
Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where
the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them
alone for a few minutes.
DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen
from a cemetery.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out
with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the
boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.
If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower,
or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after
the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they
can't hear you.
Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a
proven fly deterrent.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a
clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say
yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and
the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always
has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask
her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered
tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if
other people are around.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
|submitted by The Phantom
So my GF and I are watching The Empire Strikes Back last night. Let me say that this is possibly my favorite movie of all time. But suddenly I consider: we have always thought of R2D2 as a light-hearted comic relief type of droid. With his tweets, chirps, raspberries, and whoops, how could he be anything other than cute? But what if people were misunderstanding what he is actually saying? What if he could be accurately translated? And what if he were saying things that weren't cute at all? To wit:
(The scene where Luke and R2D2 are leaving Hoth in Luke's x-wing)
Artoo: Hey, assclamp, where the hell are you hauling me?
Luke: There's nothing wrong, Artoo, I'm just setting a new course.
Artoo: Oh, goodie. Are we going to see your dad? Cause you know he's Darth Vader, right? I mean, you know that, otherwise you're even more of a dumbass than I thought.
Luke: We're not going to regroup with the others.
Artoo: That's probably because they know what they're doing, and you don't.
Luke: We're going to the Dagobah system.
Artoo: The Bagadouche system? What an appropriate destination for a douchebag such as yourself. Are you sure you don't want me to fly? Cause I'll bet you're going to crash us into some godforsaken swampy bog, you mindless pube.
(Later on in Cloud City, during the escape scene)
3PO: Artoo! Where have you been?
Artoo: Listen, you bronzed dildo, I've been dicking around in a frigging swamp for the better part of two weeks while some wannabe wizard has been taking advice from an ancient lizard. I got slime in my droid genitals, a bad yeast infection, and I'm not in the mood for your prissy shit, so put a metal cork in it, buttnozzle.
3PO: Well at least you're still in one piece, look what happened to me!
Artoo: Yeah yeah yeah, you got blasted to shit, they should have left your ass in that scrap heap. You have contributed absolutely nothing useful to this point. By the way, how is it that you're even more of a whiny bitch than you were in the first three movies? I thought they wiped your frigging memory. Do they have some sort of universal BitchBot app that they keep putting in your lame ass? Bitch.
(while trying to unlock the landing platform door)
3PO: Artoo, you can tell the computer to override the security system!
Artoo: Oh, thanks for reminding me, you pretentious fuckstick. Do you know what else I can do? I can FRIGGING FLY! George Lucas said so! But that didn't stop me from falling into an effing swamp on that Bagadouche planet. By the way, did you know that Darth Vader is Luke's father? Cause I DO! Oh, look, I got fried by a goddamn computer terminal. Thanks, dickweed.
3PO: Don't blame me. I'm an interpreter. I'm not supposed to know a power socket from a computer terminal.
Artoo: You're supposed to know your droid ass from a hole in the ground, but you don't. Jesus, I should have left your sorry ass on that ship, you sphincter. Just wait till I get to use my little welding thingy on your droid scrote. I hate you and all these miserable bastards. Where's my Oscar?
|"A computer is like an air conditioner, once you open windows it doesn't work!" ~Jinx
|"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together."