Affiliates:
| Ranting & Raving |
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| Fuck My Life | 10/22/13 |
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Well, I'm not the 40 year old virgin, but I could certainly use some help. I'll be 32 in December, and I've never actually been on a date. I've always been that quiet guy who can stand around a not say shit all night unless someone actually talks to me. Hell, I barely know what to say when contacting someone I don't know by email. I'm not outgoing enough to pickup women, and it pisses me off. It's not that I just want to get laid either. In fact, I truly want a relationship. I did get laid once, but that was about the equivalent of a hooker without the cost. Long story. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate the pussy, but I'm looking for something more. No, not a threesome (though I wouldn't object). I'm a simple guy from a small town in western Pennsylvania. I live on a big farm that's been in the family name since Civil War times. Yes, it's my parents' place. No, I don't live in the basement. I have neck and back problems from a car accident years ago (wasn't my fault, wasn't even driving!), so I'm not working. I also sort of had cancer. I had my appendix out in 2011, and they found a carcinoid tumor in it. Small one. No big deal. I'm a movie fanatic. I enjoy video games, pool, bowling, target shooting, etc. I have a big heart. The size of other things is for the right woman to judge. I never got out much when I was younger. I was home schooled from 8th grade on. Of course, my mother was never much help. She's paranoid, overprotective, slightly brain damaged, and FUCKING NUTS. There's really nothing around here. I can't even get decent internet cause I'm stuck in the country with a bunch of goddamn Amish neighbors. I swear this place is the new Florida. Everywhere I go, all I see is old people. I think the only good thing that ever came out of this state is the chick that used to play Tammy on Guiding Light. ;) Then people tell me "You meet somebody at school or work." I sure as hell didn't. I spent a little over 2 years at the local Penn State campus and got tired of it. Then I worked for about a year. That job ended mostly over management canning a cute girl I knew in another department. Of course, she was already seeing someone, so it's not like I was scoring any points tossing the job. It was just the principle of it. I also met an awesome waitress at Waffle House a while back, but as usual, every woman I meet only wants a friend. She ended up the most expensive friend I've ever had after she lost her job, but I love her. What's next? I know: "Go on dating sites." If you can spend 2 years on dating sites and still not get a date, you might be an asshole. I know I'm an asshole, but I'm also a gentleman. I also know dating sites fucking suck. There's a handful of local hotties that get their inbox spammed by every male on the site and pretty much ignore them all (assuming the profile is real to begin with). Then, as you start sifting through all your "matches," you begin to realize the only cute women there are divorced with like 4 kids or batshit crazy. Now, one kid, I might be alright with. I have a friend with a daughter I absolutely adore. I'd kind of prefer making my own mistakes over raising someone else's though. Now, I'm not saying I need some stick figure or that I like fat chicks. Any size woman can be cute or butt ugly. Unfortunately, dating sites are full of the latter. Yeah, yeah. "Looks aren't everything." No, but they're damn well part of the equation. There's also a lot of over-achieving types that work a job or two plus go to school. What am I supposed to say? "Yeah, pencil me in for lunch sometime next month, honey." ??? Fuck that. Then you have the women who waste your time even more with awesome profiles, BUT they're just looking for friends. Friends are on Facebook. A dating site is for dating. p.s. Online dating tip of the day: If you're going to take a picture of yourself in the mirror, turn the fucking flash off. The dating sites that want money really piss me off. Every site on the fucking internet has private messaging and email for free, but you expect people to fork over $20 a month for it!? Then you let everybody and their retarded sister register for free and don't tell us which ones are paying subscribers that can actually reply. I get ignored enough without wondering if the women are able to respond in the first place, idiots. Mail order brides are out thanks to bullshit immigration laws nowadays. They apparently require you to actually visit the woman in her own country before you can fly her in. These women look for foreign men because they want to get the fuck out of the shit hole they live in. Why the fuck would I want to visit it!? Another thing people say that pisses me off is that I "need to have a job to get women." I worked. I didn't get any. Now I'm making just as much as when I worked sitting on my ass with a bad neck. Guess what. I could still afford a nice dinner for two somewhere, and I actually have time to enjoy the company. I guess I'm a little bit like Jack Dawson (Titanic). I don't claim to be a hopeless romantic, but I believe in love. I believe life should be more than punching a time clock 6 days a week, paying the bills, and still being too broke and tired to fucking enjoy the rest of your week. Call me crazy. Links: My book (free): Mentally Irregular - Rantings of a Bitter, Lonely, Son of a Bitch (Also available on Barnes and Noble) | |
